How ADHD effects my intimate life
Written by Poppy Pedder
Photo credit: Lindsay Wynn
Before being diagnosed with ADHD, at 25 years old, my self-worth was through the floor, I was being consumed by self-hatred, and I was always locked out of my house - It was exhausting. The belief that I was "a fuck up" not only made my social life a terrifying paranoia-fueled series of events, but it also made my sex life a lot more complicated too. I found it difficult to be present during sensual activities, my addictive personality created unhealthy relationship cycles, and my levels of anxiety made me terrified of connecting with anyone. This article will explore the various ways in which it effected me and how you can combat it:
1. Self-esteem
When being diagnosed with ADHD, the doctor asked me, as part of a survey on my symptoms, if I ever felt "broken". The answer was a resounding YES! Carrying a narrative like this around will limit your ability to be open with others. You may feel you don't deserve pleasure or love. Instead of embracing sensual opportunities, you may shy away from them, or outright refuse them in fear of getting hurt.
How do you begin the journey to self-love and acceptance? It is necessary to detach the negative thoughts you have about yourself from your actual self. When we identify with our negative thoughts, it's easy for us to start to believe them. Writing these thoughts down, or giving a name to the negative voice, or the 'bully', in your head are tactics that can help disassociate yourself from these thoughts. Other practices such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are fantastic ways to analyse our negative thought patterns and develop coping strategies when we feel overwhelmed.
In regards to your sensual life, make sure that you are being intimate with others that are loving and respectful of you. When we struggle to love who we are, we can trick ourselves into thinking we don't deserve love, kindness or respect. Participating intimately with others who abuse your vulnerability can trap you in a state of self-loathing.
2. Impulsivity
If you're feeling insecure, anxious or consumed by self-hatred – a lot of the time you'll want to plug up those feelings with distractions. That could be with booze, food, drugs, or, of course, sex. Spontaneously partaking in consensual intimate play can be pleasurable, nourishing and build deep connections with others, but if this impulse is from a destructive place… you may need to take a step back and gauge what's going on inside. I would recommend meditation, mindfulness and yoga to nurture a more contemplative relationship between yourself and your thoughts, however, I struggle to follow these practices in my daily life and know several people with ADHD do as well.
It can be as easy as stepping back for a moment, breathing and questioning where the impulse has come from. What are the ramifications of your actions? Especially in an intimate setting, you need to be aware of what you're doing and whom it may be affecting. It is also worth questioning how much alcohol affects your levels of impulsivity. I know I can be far more impulsive when alcohol or drugs are involved.
3. Communication Issues
Because ADHD affects your executive function, anything that requires planning and coordination can be affected, including one's ability to partake in conversation and communication. Some people with ADHD may talk too fast, others may struggle to take verbal/non-verbal information in, and others may have a hard time formulating their words.
If you're struggling to communicate in an intimate context, this can create a barrier between you and your sexual partner(s). This leaves a lot of people with communication difficulties feeling alienated and fearful of pursuing sensual opportunities. The best thing you can do is tell your partners about your ADHD. Tell them that you may need time to articulate yourself, or that it's okay for them to ask you to slow down if you're speeding ahead.
It is also helpful to check-in with yourself during conversations to feel how 'present' you are. Even before my ADHD journey, I had to develop strategies to help keep me engaged and open in conversation. For example, I taught myself to give vocal queues of "uh-huh", "yeah", when someone else is speaking. The action of 'vocalizing' actually helps stop my brain from drifting. I also have to consistently remind myself to 'take turns' as I have a habit of rapid talking and not listening to the other person. Being present in conversations can help you feel more connected with intimate partners. This will help bring walls down and open up a feeling of trust.
4. Medications Affecting Your Libido
I took Vynase for a while. It made me more productive, sleep less, grind my teeth though my libido entirely disappeared. I found this change hard to navigate and it made me lose confidence in my sexuality. Everyone will react to ADHD medication differently, however, it is a very common concern that meds will alter your libido. Although you can't change the chemical reaction you have to your meds (although drinking lots of water and a protein-heavy diet can help with the crashes), you can plan when to take them.
Lots of people I know don't take their pills on weekends so that they can drink, party or partake in intimate activities without the side effects of pills. Other people prefer living without ADHD medication. I was on Vynase for a year before I decided that it wasn't for me, I just couldn't handle the headaches and crashes anymore. It is down to the individual how they wish to medicate themselves, as long as you have consulted your doctor.
5. Unregulated Emotions
Another question in this survey I did with my doctor was "do you ever have a melt-down when you've done something wrong?" I couldn't believe someone had perfectly summed up this hidden quality I had - one that I was incredibly embarrassed about. Every time I lost my keys, or forget an appointment, or did something wrong at work – I would… Detonate.
A lot of people with ADHD will have a hard time regulating their feelings. Anger, shame, and self-hatred are such huge emotions. They can block your inner power and stop you from being able to be vulnerable and intimate with yourself and others. Firstly, don't beat yourself up for feeling emotional. Research shows that these regulation issues are neurological; it is not just an issue of sensitivity or bad emotion management. Of course, you can learn your triggers and develop coping strategies, but don't criticise yourself if you have a bad day.
Experiencing intense-emotions is nothing to be ashamed of. It is part of the ADHD journey and there are strategies to help regulate yourself. However, even though mental health is never your fault it is your responsibility, especially in a sexual setting. With this in mind, before being intimate with someone, it may be worth taking time alone with your feelings. Are you anxious? Angry? Are you ready to nurture a loving sensual experience with someone? If the answer is no – that's okay. It is better to be honest with yourself then bring unhelpful emotions into a safe intimate space.
Discover what coping strategies work for you. I know that walking, relocating to a safe space (in my room), and talking it out with a loved one is what works for me. Other people may respond to exercise, vocalization, being creative or other methods of coping. Hopefully the above examples allow you to feel less alone in our own journey navigating this confusing and chaotic journey.
Poppy Pedder works as a theatre maker in London where her work uses drama to build conceptual, surreal and often playful worlds that bring our existential vulnerabilities to the surface. Alongside theatre-making, Poppy also works as a writer and creative workshop leader. You can find her work on Instagram